Give Yourself the Gift of Good Health

Ah, the Vermont Country Store catalog. A New England fixture, it arrives each fall, as reassuring as a Norman Rockwell retrospective. Since 1946, the Orton Family has faithfully brought us carefully selected items we have grown up loving. Three pages in, anyone over the age of fifty is positively misty-eyed on this trip down memory lane. Practical items our grandparents used during World War II, charming and hard-to-find. Old-fashioned remedies. The tastes and smells of childhood. Yes, classic Christmas elves from the 1940's. Satiny ribbon candy from the 1920’s! A 1935 replica of Monopoly with wooden houses. Electric Jolly Santa Faces from the original 1950’s mold! Authentic reproductions of a vintage Fisher Price toy xylophone. The same Berenstain Bears and Peanuts characters you played with as a child! Vermont-made 2” wide red suspenders. 100% cotton Union suits. 4711 cologne, White Shoulders, and English Leather! Here’s a source for Lifebuoy soap. Pinecone incense in its own log cabin. Black-watch plaid kilts. Double-edge razor blades. Lanz flannel nightgowns for moms and daughters alike!  There are Ragg wool socks, Necco wafers and Clark Bars. Seven sizes of real Vermont maple syrup.  And, on page 43, four different types of intimate massagers.  

I am not a prude. I don’t blush easily. I believe without hesitation that sexuality should be celebrated, and that the women of the world deserve at least four different types of intimate massagers. We should be able to peruse the many varieties of shape, color, size and speed from the comfort of our own homes, and to purchase them economically, and without fanfare.  I am just not sure I want them to be advertised in this catalog, on the same pages as Raggedy Ann, Parcheesi, Big Ben alarm clocks, and Pfeffernuse cookies. I just can’t see myself at the kitchen table with my grandmother, reminiscing about hot water bottles, chenille bedspreads, Ovaltine, and vibrators.

Judging from the picture on the inside front cover, the Orton heirs look like a savvy group. I bet they have more than a few MBA's, and have consulted marketing experts to ensure their product offerings stay on target. They have two stores and a burgeoning online business. They are even offering free shipping promotion codes for sales over $65. This would come in handy if you were to purchase Discreet Delight, Compact Massager, Dual Pleasure and Pinpoint Accuracy, which brings your order total to $114.80 before shipping.

I can’t help but think that somewhere, Mama and Papa Orton just might be rolling in their graves.